My greatest fear was..

Most children are afraid of the dark things that are easy but my greatest fear was something that laid much deeper inside. As weird as it may sound my greatest fear was love. I was a child who was abandoned time after time after the words "I love you" came out. I was a child who associated pain with love. As I got older boys came into the picture and after soon long when they would start to say they cared about it that they may love I would run as fast as I could in the opposite direction because again I associated these words with pain, fear, loneliness, and violence. Love was not something that I wanted to feel and it was certainly not something I wanted someone to feel for me. Unlike most children my fear did not go away once I got older but my fear grew deeper and colder. Until one day I met a goofy boy who would change my entire world by changing my entire view on how I saw this world. He showed me that love is kind and should not be painful and should never means violence. This was a hard fear to get over and i still struggle with these fears everyday, praying that I will be good enough praying that I will not do anything wrong. Its taken me a long time to find out that love does not need to be earned but that it should be given. Thank you God for loving me for who I am and thank you God for sending me a boy who would change my world and give me your message that I am enough  just being Melissa. 

Honesty

There is just something about saying what is true to your heart.When something has been eating away at you and you just let it out. I do not know about everyone else but I know when I have been holding back and then all of a sudden there is just that moment where everything comes out and its like all that weight is gone. Sometimes honesty will make things harder but nothing is worse then holding things back. I would like to say I hope everyone allows themselves to have honesty in there life because all of my life I have been the girl who is "fine". I put on that face, that smile that the world that "yes, I am fine" when all i wanted to say was I am hurting and my world i breaking. What is so wrong with saying the truth with saying hey I am not ok, hey I am no perfect. When people say hey whats up they really don't want to know whats going to they are just making small talk. Could you imagine how much better off our world would be if people in the beginning said "hey i am not ok". What if in the beginning that kid didn't take their life because they felt like someone cared. What if in the beginning that father never started drinking because they didn't feel at fault that he tried his best and his best was enough. What if in the beginning when that girl looked in the mirror she felt worthy she felt pretty and thin enough. What would would our world look like if there was honesty and not just the image of perfection what if i said I am not ok but with a friend and understanding i can get past this. Just a thought 

Reading Books

I love to read I always have a good book with me just incase. Most people my age do not love to read anymore, I can not tell you how many times my friends have told me “Why would you read when you can just watch the movie”. I love to read because it is a way for me to leave all the problems in my world and read about some else’s. I read because it is a way to get out of my head even if it is only for a little while. I read because it gives me encouragement that there are people out there with problems just like me and in a way it makes me feel less alone. Lastly I love to read because it gives me more understanding and knowledge. My favorite author is Jodi Picoult because she always brings up issues that people are dealing with everyday whether it is a story about school shootings, rape, or even cancer with in a family. There are no limits to where she will go which is why I love her books so much.  When she writes she goes back and forth to all the main characters so you are able to get inside the head of each side because you are able to develop your own opinion.

Family

Today our world is filled with many broken families I believe families should have the strongest bonds of all and yet you see it all the time families fighting and not being there for one another. Even on shows in movies all the good drama is when the families back stab one another what does these actions say to child? This tells them that fighting with your family is ok, that leaving your family is acceptable because it is just apart of life. I feel like God gave us family for a support system but if our support system is broken then where does that leave us? I just like any others have a broken family but the family that stayed has been there for me every step of the way and i would do anything for them. So i say forget what we see on the movies forget what makes good drama because the reality is if we can not depend on family, if we can not trust family, if we dont have those people then who do we have who we we turn to when our world is coming down and who can we really trust or depend on these are just some questions to think about. Who is your family from the outside and most importantly who are they from the inside

Easter

We all remember Easter as kids with the easter bunny, the easter egg hunts, the easter baskets, and lets not forget about all of the great food. Although Easter can be a very fun holiday and I do love of those things myself, I believe that too many kids are only being taught about dying an easter egg rather than being taught about the true meaning from Easter in the first place. Over 2,000 years ago there was man who died on the cross for my sins and for everyone else's sins and on Easter we celebrate all the fun stuff which is not a bad thing as we remember that on that day that same man rose from the dead proofing he was worthy of all. I believe that not enough people are teaching about the right message about an amazing event that took place years ago. I hope when i am a parent i put even meaning to the real message rather then just what the world tells me. 

Girls

There once was a girl who ate an apple from a forbidden tree and it has been all down hill from there. Girls are now required every month to have a visitor who happens to be not so much on the friendly side and never brings presents we want. Because of this visitor girls are also the ones who are required to have the babies after caring for nine months.I feel that girls have huge responsibilities and endure too much pain in one life time. I do not believe this fair because all though now girls have rights they are still not always given enough credit because they are simply girls. Girls are paid less then men for the same position. I do not understand women are cable enough to carry and raise child and work but are not cable enough to be getting paid the same. According to media today girls are also required to maintain a certain weight even while having kids, always looking the part, all while they making money. A girls job is important to the world. I do not understand why the world works the way it does but here we are. I will always remember my grandma telling me "remember when little boys tell you that boys are better then girls, that this world would cease to excite without little girls" 

College

College is much more then school, its a whole new experience. High school and college are completely different from each other in a few different ways. High school is full of rules and limits such as tardiness, dress codes, and classes we can and can not take. When you get to college the rules lessen, when your tardy you will not get sent to the office, and the best part is you are able to take more classes that you want in order to work toward your dreams. Once you get to college you are hopefully where you wanted to be and surrounded by people you like and would like to be around. College is a great deal more expensive but because of this unlike high school for the most people you have people in your class want to be there. There are no one of people constantly talking while the instructor is, there are not anymore kids being rude and uncivil because again people are paying for this education. All in all I believe college is way better the high school from the events to the friends made to the courses be taught. 

Photography.

Photography is a beautiful art that I have a deep passion for. I love photography because it is my way of seeing the world through another persons eyes. Its a way for me to show someone my world, and to capture a moment that can last a life time. My words can only describe something so much but my photos can give someone everything they would ever want to know about my art. My favorite kind of photos are landscapes because they are beautiful in their self. The most beautiful moments in my opinion are sunrises and sunsets, my favorite out of the two are sunrises. Because with every sunrise there is a sign of a new day. There is a moment when the whole world seems to stop and no matter what has happened this tells me everything is all right.This is why i fell in love with the art of photography because for a single second I am able to capture the beauty of this world. 

Television today.

According to the A.C. Nielsen Co., "the average American watches more than 4 hours of TV each day (or 28 hours/week, or 2 months of nonstop TV-watching per year). In a 65-year life, that person will have spent 9 years glued to the tube." Fours hours! As americans we waste so much timing doing absolutely nothing. Children are growing up to be big because inside of playing outside they are in front of the TV. Children are not reading as much because "why read when you can watch a movie". Homework is not being done because shows can not seemed to be missed. Children are watching TV and learning violent actions and hurtful words. I believe parents should not allow children to watch as much to TV, but encourage them to play outdoors to exercise and get fresh air. The TV should not be a reality it should only be entertainment but how long can can we be entertain in one day? TV can be a good thing too its where people can relax after a long day, its where families can have time together. I simply want to worn people not to let people let TV consume your life. Because we are spending nine years of our life siting in front of a box. 

 

Control

In the story A brave new world, there was a sense of control. There was control of who people were with what they felt, and who people were able to be with. People could only be who they were meant to be everyone has their place and that was what was excepted to be followed. There was an order and the lower people had to except that. Not only were they not able to control their place but they also were not allowed to control how they felt about anything. They were conditioned to act and feel a certain way. They were not able to feel love, anger, sadness, fear, loss, it was like they were not people at all. They were also not allowed to be able to stay with one person because this would cause love and that was not acceptable. People were not allowed to have love for anything not having husbands, children or mothers. People also would not get old the control in this book was simply mind-blowing. I could not even consider not being able to think or feel emotions for myself. 

Strength

What exactly is strength and what does it consist of? Our dictionary states that strength is simply the quality or state of being strong, in particular. I believe strength is more then just psychical but its what we can within stand. I believe people are able to show strength in all different ways. The people I consider strongest are the people who show integrity even in hardest of time. "“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”- Alex Karras I believe this quote says it all strength isn't the muscles but who we are through the trials. I believe showing compassion to the hopeless is strength. Being able to see past flaws is strength. Forgiving even through pain is strength. Being able to carry on even when the whole world is excepting you to fail this is strength. I hope to live my life with strength and courage because its an amazing gift to show people. 

A farewell.

Most people have been through the horrors of losing a loved one and if they have not at some point they will. I have a question why is it that death is so hard? Why is it that it causes so much pain and hurt. I also want to know why as a Christian this is still just as hard. I am blessed by knowing that there is a God and that he is preparing a home and how amazing heaven will be and yet the tears roll down my eyes all the same. Why is it even though we are not going through the psychical hurt our bodies ache all the same. Death has an incredible impact in someones life, it will either pull a family apart or back together. The thought of someone being gone for the rest our lives is a hand concept to swallow. But the thing to remember about death is that no matter how much it hurts the world goes on with out without that person so even if we want to stop and hold on we must let go and continue living..

Stress.

This week was midterms and it was stressful the word stressed means pressure or tension exerted on a material. Stress can cause so much such as mood swings, not eating, sickness, and head and body pains. This past week has pushed me to my limits has made me see what I can and can not handle. I had no sleep this week and defiantly no time to our self. I was up running around and writing papers. I would go to late and wake up early my brain had stopped working for me just to keep from loosing it.collage is much harder and yet here we are just trying to make it by I believe stress is going to be the death of many.

Annoyed.. grr

I am the kind of person who gets annoyed easily by little things this is something I try to work on and I pray about but this is something I always seem to fail at. There are two major things that get under my skin one is when people complain about what they can fix and the other is obsessive talking. When people complain about things they can fix but choose not to I tend to get really irritated. For example when people complain on loosing weight yet sit they’re eating fast food and drinking a diet coke. I feel if people want to make a difference they should stop talking and do it. I also do not like when people talk just to hear themselves speak this is the other major problem that leads to me being annoyed. When people talk while others are talking or better when a teacher is talking this annoys me the most because when people do this I get the message that what they are saying is more important or why else be speaking?

Pain.

I have felt my share of pain in my short time of living. I have two older brothers who loved to put me in pain either physical or mental pain depending on the day. Having two older brothers also made me into a tomboy, which caused me to have many falls that cause server pain. Even with all the pain my child hood had none of it compared to what I would face once I hit high school. I was a girl who was broken long ago but I thought someone had put things back together little did I know he would be the one to break me most of all. In my experience my heart pain has been the strongest of all. My body changed, my heart, my outlook on life, and I was gone. I could not eat everything made me sick I became skinner and skinner. While your heart is broken its like you are just going through the motions not really sure your alive. When your heart breaks you forget to take deep breaths because all of a sudden just breathing was hard work. I was angry with men because it was another one to add to the list after father number one and father number two. I had one father leave and cheat while spending years in jail while the other just cheated and left. The time I had to most pain was not when I fell off my dirt bike, when I fell face first in the street, or when I would fight with my brothers but when I stupidly allowed a young boy to break my heart. 

Waiting...

In 2002 USTODAY did a study on how many people have premarital sex; this study showed that 95% of people had not waited until marriage. I am one of the 5% who want to wait until after I am married. I would like to do this for a number of reasons rather than just the obvious reason of being a Christian and knowing that God would like us to wait. First I would like to start off by saying that my mother was raised in a Christian home and she still had my brother at the age of 16. Christians are not perfect in anyway nor should we be treated or think of ourselves as perfect, with that said I still believe Christians should try to hold themselves at a higher standard because we should know better. I believe there are many reasons to wait, more people just need to realize what they don’t want and stick to it. Before you all think that this is easier said than done, I would like to say I know this because to take on this challenge too. I decide not to fulfill my wants for a few reasons that I am going to share. First reason is because I do love my God and he would like me to wait. Second reason I choose to wait is because I saw what a struggle it was for my mom to have kids at a young age. Third reason I wait is because I still have a great deal of things to do before I am ready to settle down and raise a family. The forth reason I am waiting is because I want to only be with my husband and him with me, when he looks at me years from now I want to be able to look back knowing his love is real and that I was worth the wait. The last reason waiting is so important to me is because I did not have a good father in fact he is man I barely know because he never cared enough to stick around. I made a promise to myself long ago that my children would never have a father like him and the fact is when we don’t wait we also do not get to pick the father of our children. Not all relationships are going to last so why not wait for the one that will. I want to challenge young girls to wait, I know at times things will be hard but just allow that to pass and know that you are well worth the wait. If a guy tells you otherwise do you really want to be spending any more time on him?

Putting Difference Aside

This weekend was my boyfriend’s birthday and I decided I wanted to throw him a surprise dinner. Little did I know that this would force me to put my differences aside, and I would be something I struggled with greatly. I had a best friend, unfortunately we are not anymore and my friend is still friends with him. My boyfriend is the kind of guy who gets along with everyone and tends to see past flows. He would not love anything more then to see me and my best friend make up again, although this is a lost cause. As his birthday approached I could hear the voice in my head telling me I needed to put our differences aside because this was not all about “Melissa”. As the week went I fought more and more with myself hoping that I would not need to do what I was about to do. I finally swallowed my pride and worked up enough courage to ask him to come. Do you know what happened? He was a jerk and he would rather miss a friend’s birthday than to be civil. I was hurt and broken once again, the worst part is I couldn’t talk to my boyfriend because it might have ruined the surprise. In the end everything worked out all the same, I went on with one more piece of my heart somewhere along the time. I can tell you one thing though, even with getting screwed over in the end I do not regret putting myself on the line for someone I love. I still had a lot to show such as my dignity and strength, most importantly I showed I put the ones I love first and my difference second.

Pit Bulls

Pit Bulls are ranked the number one most dangerous dog. This is hard for me to believe being I grew up with them, my mom used to bred pit bulls and they were nothing short of family dogs. I remember when I was a baby I would crawl on the floor with these puppies. When I was able to walk and the puppies would get bigger I would push each puppy in my doll stroller until every last puppy was fast asleep. These puppies were great with kids and were truly family dogs. All growing up we owned pits of our own and they were always the neighborhood dogs, the dogs all the kids loved and played with. Although yes our dogs were protective of us they also were very lovable and loyal. The pet resource and community said "Dogs most often make wonderful pets, however in certain circumstances, any type of dog can be dangerous. Even friendly dogs, can inflict great harm in the wrong circumstance." I believe this quote nails it because its true dog do make wonderful pets but sometimes humans put them into situations where they become aggressive. Sometimes a dog will feel their family is in danger or maybe even they themselves feel like they are in danger. I believe dogs are what their owners make them. If their owners treat them right and love them they show love and loyalty in return. Unfortunately because pit bulls can lock their jaws so people who tend to own them miss treat them. Some dogs are forced to fight and sadly the smaller dogs are used as bate dogs. These kinds of people are the ones who should be punished because from birth these dogs do not have a chance. The dog we own now was a small pit, we found her tied to a tree. She had cuts all over and was so skinny we could see all of her bones, her jaw was broken at one point too. We believe she was left there to die and we could see there was no hope in her eyes. We took her in, she wouldn't eat for days and she would just in one spot terrified. It took about a week for her to realize that she was safe and everything  would be ok. Today she's the most loving dog although she is still scared of new men we know the fear will always be. 

Peer Pressure (pre-write)

I wanted to write about peer pressure and how it effects teens with their life with the decisions they make. 
I think I wanted to write about about peer pressure for two main reasons: relevance and me being a Christian (in a public high school). At some point in everyone's high school life they will have an encounter with peer pressure, no matter their status or even want their decision was. The one thing we have always had in common we all had a choice to make.  I also have decided to write about this topic is because I was a Christian girl in a public who just happened to know all the right people. Knowing all the right people always made it hard for me to know what exactly was the right thing to do. Because I was a Christian I always knew what I should do but that didn't always make me feel like I was right, mostly I wasn't always sure what my peers thought was right. In the ended I always stayed faithful and people had a lot of respect for me simply because I followed what I believed in. Peer pressure has effects whether you fall short or not I say this because you seem to have regrets   either way. In high school I was the girl who got along with just about everyone including all the people who liked to party on the weekends. I never took a drink or smoked, I would be lying if i said there are times when I do not regret that because the fact is giving in would have made my life easier but another huge fact is I wouldn't have been the smart, dependable, independent girl I was if i just followed the crowd. On the other hand there are people who wish they would have partied a little less, who wish they would have not given in to peer pressure. I believe this is something that follows us into our future, the question is were you in or out?

Listens VS Speaking

I think a lot of our problems in our everyday lives come from us wanting to always talk. It happens everywhere even now that we are out of high school and in the “real world” it is happening people talk while the teacher is, the boss, while instructions are going on. Even when we have been taught, here we are talking, talking, and more talking. Its like we always want to speak but we never want to listen. When everyone is speaking at once it is chaos. We all want a voice but do we really want everyone else to have a voice? Winston Churchill said, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen”. I believe this quote nails it because the person who talks all time is someone I tend to tune out because I feel like once again they are just talking for the sake of talking. It’s the person who sits back and listens that I listen to. I do this because once they speak I know what they are saying is important; I know that one day what they are saying may make a difference. I believe that we should try listening before we try putting in our input and before we try to make a difference in the world.